I’m dreading my wedding but I can’t wait to get married.
Now before you think I’m an ungrateful little so and so who doesn’t know how lucky she is please keep reading and you might just understand where I’m coming from. I really do know I am crazy lucky; every time I think about the life we are going to build together, the days after the wedding and ways I’m going to grow as a person I get butterflies, big, amazing, excitement butterflies and I can’t stop thanking God. My fiance is the best, plain and simple. I truly am grateful to God for the marriage, it’s really just the wedding I have a problem with.
I am dreading the faff, and the judgement, and the expense and the pantomime – but God has also been showing me I am wrong.
My problem is/was (I’m still working on it) that I don’t want to have to spend a day parading myself around my family in a fancy dress with them pretending to be happy for me when at the times I really needed them they weren’t really there. It felt fake to me to have this massive celebration, when actually I wanted to shut them all out and start my new life completely separate from the pain of before.
In the midst of this 23 yr old temper tantrum God has been breathing a few well-timed words to show me how selfish and prideful and not pleasing to Him this attitude is. He’s been saying…
Forgiveness, Restoration and Celebration.
I need to forgive my family, and not wanting to spend this special day with them shows I have some deep hidden places which still don’t sing to God’s tune. Yes, they let me down, yes, the world would understand me not wanting to share my good moments with them when they ran from the bad, but this is NOT what God would do. I’m praying now for God’s heart for them, that I can see and feel their failure but forgive them to the extent that I want to share all the good things in life with them, and also that I can appreciate the good they tried to do, and when I look I can see that in abundance.
I need grace, sheer ole grace!
God doesn’t want me to hide and run away from my past; he wants to restore me within my problems so that people can see fully the contrast of my life before and after Him. My wedding day will be a testimony to God’s transforming power!
God loves to celebrate, it’s all through the old testament, and God wants to celebrate our wedding. Though the shy part of me wants to hide under a table, God wants to show his handiwork off in celebration.
I don’t see how I’ll enjoy this now, but God is God and I’m sure you will see a post soon after the wedding where I admit how right He was!
On a more difficult note, I still well up at the thought that my Dad may not able to walk me down the aisle. The chances are quite high, and I will have to be strong and stubborn and rejoice that although there is no one to walk beside me, God has never left me and He will be the one holding my arm and calling me beautiful. I don’t think I’ll actually ever be able to stop dreading this, but I’m still trusting God in it (and if you fancy saying a quick prayer for me I would so appreciate it). In this place God is breathing comfort.
So I have found that although I am still dreading this wedding in my feelings, God has shown me in my heart and head that it is a good thing, solely and completely through Him. I am so grateful for that, so next time you are dreading something I challenge you to ask God for his perspective, I bet He will teach you more than you ever thought possible!
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/seanmolin/5251300387/”>Sean Molin Photography via http://photopin.com”>photopin> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/toniblay/77906706/”>Toni Blay</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>
Hope Blooms in Darkness 
Praying for you! It’s so hard when the people who are supposed to love us the most hurt us. Those wounds cut the deepest. But, like you said..in Him there is restoration! Even if they never change, YOU are changing. 🙂
Is there a best friend that could walk you down the aisle if your Dad isn’t able?
I’m excited to see the post wedding story on here!
Sending love from Idaho…
Thank you so much! Yes it’s hard but you’re right, I am changing 🙂 Hmmm, that’s a good idea I could have my bridesmaids either side of me. I really do appreciate your thoughts and prayers
Sounds perfect!
Forgiving those who spitefully use or abuse us is one of the biggest tests a Christian can face. As I often say, God TESTS us to build up our spiritual character, while the Devil tempts us so that we may fall from God’s grace. However, as the light of the world, we as Christians, a peculiar people, cannot put ourselves on the same level as everyone else. As I say this, realize I understand what you are dealing with, because I have been having a hard time dealing with forgiving the manager I had that fired me from my last job that I loved. Understand that forgiving takes time! And let nothing steal the joy from what will be one of the happiest days of your life, the day you stand before God and commit yourself to a wonderful man, as he commits to you.
Who knows what will happen when you successfully pass this test? I am sure blessings are in order. Perhaps in the form of restoration of the familial relationships. The only way to find out is to press forward as you are. It is very noble of you to be still trying to include your family in your special day, and I am not sure why you said your Dad may not be able to walk you down the aisle (and you don’t need to tell me, that is your business), but if it is because he WON’T, then I assure you that will be HIS loss.
Remember the cause of this “massive celebration”!!! It is TRULY a worthy event to be joined together in the presence of God. I can go on ALL DAY telling you about how wonderful my wedding day was because I remembered that above all else, my husband and I were doing what was pleasing in God’s eyes. I will never forget how beautiful I felt, and those doors opening and seeing my husband to be standing at the front waiting to receive me, looking as handsome as he could possibly look 🙂
It will be a great day for you. I just know it!!!!!
This is very encouraging! I’ll be praying for you as well with the forgiveness test – it’s so very tough! But you’re so right about the blessings that come from doing what God says. I wana love Jesus with obedience not just words. I am lucky to have a Dad who loves me very much, but unfortunately is very ill and suffering from mental illness which makes relationships very difficult, but I am very grateful for how he loves me in the ways he can. You’re wedding sounds amazing! Thank you for commenting
I am glad that you realized that you need to forgive! It is interesting how we can easily hold ourselves as prisoners.
Secondly I read the above and am sorry to hear that your Dad is ill.(praying for him) I know that some brides who might not have someone to walk them down, usually let father/mother of the groom and father/mother of the bride to walk in before her. That way they can show their support and you can publicly honor them. (just an idea )
Finally even though you will have family and friends at your wedding..remember that it is you and your fiance’s wedding. People came to celebrate WITH you. The only person you have to parade around is your husband! 😉
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
YOU GOT IT!
I am happy for you! Last year, our daughter got married; she was also 23. She/we had many of the concerns that you are having. Believe me, it will work out fine! Just focus on your husband-to-be and all your worries will fade away like distant background noise. Besides, it goes so fast that you won’t have the time to think about past – you’ll be focused on the present.
BTW: unfortunately I wasn’t able to walk my daughter down the aisle and she did fine walking alone.
This is really good to hear! Thank you for commenting 🙂
Is the thought of monogamy frightening you?
Not at all my friend!
Love the line: “I have some deep hidden places which still don’t sing to God’s tune.”— Truth we don’t always like to acknowledge but it’s always better when we do and let Him tune us to His melody! Thanks for sharing!
Yes you are right, it always takes me by surprise when I find places like that, but it’s so much better to get them tuned up than not know about them (even if it is a difficult process!) Thanks for your encouragement!
this post was lovely.
Thank you 🙂
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