I’m dreading my wedding but I can’t wait to get married.
Now before you think I’m an ungrateful little so and so who doesn’t know how lucky she is please keep reading and you might just understand where I’m coming from. I really do know I am crazy lucky; every time I think about the life we are going to build together, the days after the wedding and ways I’m going to grow as a person I get butterflies, big, amazing, excitement butterflies and I can’t stop thanking God. My fiance is the best, plain and simple. I truly am grateful to God for the marriage, it’s really just the wedding I have a problem with.
I am dreading the faff, and the judgement, and the expense and the pantomime – but God has also been showing me I am wrong.
My problem is/was (I’m still working on it) that I don’t want to have to spend a day parading myself around my family in a fancy dress with them pretending to be happy for me when at the times I really needed them they weren’t really there. It felt fake to me to have this massive celebration, when actually I wanted to shut them all out and start my new life completely separate from the pain of before.
In the midst of this 23 yr old temper tantrum God has been breathing a few well-timed words to show me how selfish and prideful and not pleasing to Him this attitude is. He’s been saying…
Forgiveness, Restoration and Celebration.
I need to forgive my family, and not wanting to spend this special day with them shows I have some deep hidden places which still don’t sing to God’s tune. Yes, they let me down, yes, the world would understand me not wanting to share my good moments with them when they ran from the bad, but this is NOT what God would do. I’m praying now for God’s heart for them, that I can see and feel their failure but forgive them to the extent that I want to share all the good things in life with them, and also that I can appreciate the good they tried to do, and when I look I can see that in abundance.
I need grace, sheer ole grace!
God doesn’t want me to hide and run away from my past; he wants to restore me within my problems so that people can see fully the contrast of my life before and after Him. My wedding day will be a testimony to God’s transforming power!
God loves to celebrate, it’s all through the old testament, and God wants to celebrate our wedding. Though the shy part of me wants to hide under a table, God wants to show his handiwork off in celebration.
I don’t see how I’ll enjoy this now, but God is God and I’m sure you will see a post soon after the wedding where I admit how right He was!
On a more difficult note, I still well up at the thought that my Dad may not able to walk me down the aisle. The chances are quite high, and I will have to be strong and stubborn and rejoice that although there is no one to walk beside me, God has never left me and He will be the one holding my arm and calling me beautiful. I don’t think I’ll actually ever be able to stop dreading this, but I’m still trusting God in it (and if you fancy saying a quick prayer for me I would so appreciate it). In this place God is breathing comfort.
So I have found that although I am still dreading this wedding in my feelings, God has shown me in my heart and head that it is a good thing, solely and completely through Him. I am so grateful for that, so next time you are dreading something I challenge you to ask God for his perspective, I bet He will teach you more than you ever thought possible!
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/seanmolin/5251300387/”>Sean Molin Photography via http://photopin.com”>photopin> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/toniblay/77906706/”>Toni Blay</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>