My head started to swim as he collapsed back onto the hospital bed. Suddenly nurses and doctors were crowding in all around me and I was pushed to the edge of the room. As I saw how pale he became and the panic on the doctors face I, in turn, started to lose control and panic. This was not how I expected to spend this Monday night and my familiar doubts started to take control of my brain. “Why is God letting this happen?” “Why is He letting me face this situation again?” “Why am I on my own?”.
You see, I’d spent other nights in this very same hospital, waiting on news of a loved one and whether they’d survive the overdose. The circumstances were different this time, different person, very different reason; but the fears were same, the doubts were identical.
I was back in my nightmare, the one that turned me away from God, and I had a choice to make, to trust or to turn away.
Through the electric grip of adrenaline on my stomach I made that choice and I said a prayer that no matter the circumstances I’m in I will praise Him. No matter the outcome He is still good.
His glory is independent of my situation. Circumstances do change who He is; Who He is changes our circumstances.
So this present-day trip on my merry-go-round of hospital visits I made the choice to trust Him, and strangely, over and above my feelings (which were no different from the time before) I felt a peace and calmness.
Thank you God for being greater than my circumstances. Thank you for giving me the chance to choose you over doubts and fear. Thank you that my fiance will be ok. Thank you that you take us back to the past so that we can choose you and be set free from it.
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/supersonicphotos/6172619279/”>kelsey_lovefusionphoto</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>cc</a>