How I Stopped Worrying about Marriage

Firstly, thank you so much everyone who has commented on my posts about cold feet and dreading my wedding. Your support has overwhelmed me and helped me more than I can say. Thank you!

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So, how am I feeling about my marriage now? Nervous, I am almost 2 months away (I am sure that’s normal!), but I am also feeling peaceful, because I saw where my problems where coming from. For my best effort at describing this I would ask you to read this post here (puppets) if you haven’t already, I’d let things in my life lie dormant in me, ready and waiting to take control of my emotions and sabotage my life.

My first piece of advice if you are worrying over something – go back and pray about things in your past. Don’t dwell or chew over things, but quickly and calmly give them over to God again, let Him cut the ties from your past. Leave them with Him there.

Stop thinking what you are thinking and think about what God says. Seriously, even if you don’t agree with what the bible is saying think about it anyway. Whether or not you understand God is always right. Here’s my example – “Rejoice in the Lord always” I find this hard, confusing and it feels a bit fake – but when I think about the verse and mull it over in my mind it seems to settle my emotions down – so even without agreement God is working through His word. Amazing!

When you know what God wants you to do don’t doubt it – just trust Him and move towards doing it. I took a lot of time to pray and think about if marriage was the right way for me to go at this time in my life and He said yes, strongly, clearly and peacefully. I then started re-evaluating my decisions and that’s where my problems came. Once God says something to you – don’t let the doubts play havoc with your mind!

So here I am calm, peaceful and excited about my marriage! Good bye cold feet 🙂

Anyway, the main point of this post is to say thank you to all of you who took the time to comment, contact me and pray for me. It has been amazing and helped me so much!

photo credit: Tim Forbes via photopin cc

Cold Feet

I think it is now time to admit that I have a serious case of cold feet. I get married in 3 months and I am freaked out. A while ago I was worried, now I am petrified (read more here).

Suddenly after all this peaceful time of being engaged and working towards a new life together I am itching to run as fast as I can in the other direction. Molehills, which my rose tinted glasses were hiding, have now turned into mountains eclipsing my view of this wedding; all I can see are faults, my faults and his faults.

I see the look of doubt in people’s eyes as they watch my reaction to marriage, I’ve heard it so many times that I “must be so excited!?!”

But what if I’m not?

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What if I dread the thought of being tied to a man who can hurt me so badly? What if I am walking into marriage out of obedience to God and not out of the rush of young love? Does that make our relationship doomed to fail?

My past and my present seem blurry and I simply can’t tell if my feelings are rational or irrational.

How does someone without a clear example of how a relationship should work know when they themselves are in a good one?

When does the memory of abuse stop shaping the life that you are now trying to live?

How do you find a voice in a relationship when you don’t know if you are imagining the problems that you have?

And yet I will trust in His unfailing love, I will love because He first love me.

Jesus is my answer, Jesus is my hope.

photo credit: Emery Co Photo via photopin cc

When you Just Don’t Want to Love Someone

Ok, so telling people that you just don’t want to love someone anymore sounds like a dramatic thing to say. Maybe you’re imagining me as some kind of martyr who doesn’t want to keep loving an abusive lout, but that my heart is simply too pure and huge that I can’t stop myself. I assure you this is not the case…

I don’t want to love someone anymore because it’s just too much effort. It’s taking my free time, my energy and my happiness and I just don’t want to do it anymore. Harsh but unfortunately true.

This is what my feelings are telling me, I’m ashamed of them and they go against everything I want to be; but I can’t deny the fact that it’s taking every ounce of my effort keep being there when I want to emotionally checkout and cry for myself in self-pity.

When someone you love needs you desperately and requires that you face things that are still incredibly painful for you to do, when you’re “buttons” are pushed and you’re forced to deal with issues you just don’t feel ready to look at, this is when God’s love starts to worm its way through. Unconditional, independent from your own needs, and so very powerful.

God’s love has a law of its own. It’s a law that no human can follow, and it’s only through the grace of God, doing in us what we could never do for ourselves that we can even get close to it.

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“3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.” 1 Corinthians 13:3-7 The message

I don’t think there has been a single day of my life when I’ve done all those things listed above, and right now sometimes I don’t even want to! But I want to want to with all my heart. When I pray, God answers, and out of my nothingness, selfishness and pity, suddenly strength bursts out to love other people more than myself, when I just can’t do it on my own.

Like a slow trickle of water providing a thirsty man just enough drink to survive, I get given love to give away, piece by piece, trickle by trickle, day by day.

I would be bankrupt without His love.

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/mohsenmasoumi/3107904674/”>MOHSEN MaSoUmI</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>cc</a>

I’m Dreading my Wedding!

I’m dreading my wedding but I can’t wait to get married.

Now before you think I’m an ungrateful little so and so who doesn’t know how lucky she is please keep reading and you might just understand where I’m coming from. I really do know I am crazy lucky; every time I think about the life we are going to build together, the days after the wedding and ways I’m going to grow as a person I get butterflies, big, amazing, excitement butterflies and I can’t stop thanking God. My fiance is the best, plain and simple. I truly am grateful to God for the marriage, it’s really just the wedding I have a problem with.

I am dreading the faff, and the judgement, and the expense and the pantomime – but God has also been showing me I am wrong.

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My problem is/was (I’m still working on it) that I don’t want to have to spend a day parading myself around my family in a fancy dress with them pretending to be happy for me when at the times I really needed them they weren’t really there. It felt fake to me to have this massive celebration, when actually I wanted to shut them all out and start my new life completely separate from the pain of before.

In the midst of this 23 yr old temper tantrum God has been breathing a few well-timed words to show me how selfish and prideful and not pleasing to Him this attitude is. He’s been saying…

 Forgiveness, Restoration and Celebration.

I need to forgive my family, and not wanting to spend this special day with them shows I have some deep hidden places which still don’t sing to God’s tune. Yes, they let me down, yes, the world would understand me not wanting to share my good moments with them when they ran from the bad, but this is NOT what God would do. I’m praying now for God’s heart for them, that I can see and feel their failure but forgive them to the extent that I want to share all the good things in life with them, and also that I can appreciate the good they tried to do, and when I look I can see that in abundance.

I need grace, sheer ole grace!

God doesn’t want me to hide and run away from my past; he wants to restore me within my problems so that people can see fully the contrast of my life before and after Him. My wedding day will be a testimony to God’s transforming power!

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God loves to celebrate, it’s all through the old testament, and God wants to celebrate our wedding. Though the shy part of me wants to hide under a table, God wants to show his handiwork off in celebration.

I don’t see how I’ll enjoy this now, but God is God and I’m sure you will see a post soon after the wedding where I admit how right He was!

On a more difficult note, I still well up at the thought that my Dad may not able to walk me down the aisle. The chances are quite high, and I will have to be strong and stubborn and rejoice that although there is no one to walk beside me, God has never left me and He will be the one holding my arm and calling me beautiful. I don’t think I’ll actually ever be able to stop dreading this, but I’m still trusting God in it (and if you fancy saying a quick prayer for me I would so appreciate it). In this place God is breathing comfort.

So I have found that although I am still dreading this wedding in my feelings, God has shown me in my heart and head that it is a good thing, solely and completely through Him. I am so grateful for that, so next time you are dreading something I challenge you to ask God for his perspective, I bet He will teach you more than you ever thought possible!

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/seanmolin/5251300387/”>Sean Molin Photography via http://photopin.com”>photopin> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/toniblay/77906706/”>Toni Blay</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>