I think it is now time to admit that I have a serious case of cold feet. I get married in 3 months and I am freaked out. A while ago I was worried, now I am petrified (read more here).
Suddenly after all this peaceful time of being engaged and working towards a new life together I am itching to run as fast as I can in the other direction. Molehills, which my rose tinted glasses were hiding, have now turned into mountains eclipsing my view of this wedding; all I can see are faults, my faults and his faults.
I see the look of doubt in people’s eyes as they watch my reaction to marriage, I’ve heard it so many times that I “must be so excited!?!”
But what if I’m not?
What if I dread the thought of being tied to a man who can hurt me so badly? What if I am walking into marriage out of obedience to God and not out of the rush of young love? Does that make our relationship doomed to fail?
My past and my present seem blurry and I simply can’t tell if my feelings are rational or irrational.
How does someone without a clear example of how a relationship should work know when they themselves are in a good one?
When does the memory of abuse stop shaping the life that you are now trying to live?
How do you find a voice in a relationship when you don’t know if you are imagining the problems that you have?
And yet I will trust in His unfailing love, I will love because He first love me.
Jesus is my answer, Jesus is my hope.