Promoted

It’s been a long time since my last post – life and wedding and flat buying have stolen my brain. Happy, fun, exciting but DRAINING TIMES.

Today I’m trying to get my head around promotion – promotion God’s way.

It seems to me that it’s when we get to a place of complete tired-to-the-bone, energy-depleted, the-full-realisation-that-you-can’t-do-this-alone-place that God suddenly gives you more to do.

I found myself running on empty recently and I said to God – “this is enough! I can’t do this by myself, I’ve been proud and stuck up and now I need your help. I need your humbleness and to be like you!”. I wanted to be banished to a cave to get my bad behaviour out and to focus on God and not my “prestige and position”. I wanted to stay in the shadows because I fully realise how I just don’t deserve what God has given me so far. I wanted to step down because my behaviour is BAD, my attitude STINKS and I’m so blooming UNGRATEFUL!

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The last thing I excepted was a God-promotion. Why here in my weakness? In my knowledge of that weakness. Why promote me now?

Because in my weakness He is strong. He uses the weak to shame the wise. I have no doubt in my mind that it is GOD who will do this through me because I know I am not enough.

Father, keep me depending on you. Kill my pride dead. Reignite my prayers. Be my everything.

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Where are you Standing

Yesterday in church I was praying about how I’m struggling with not knowing if I will have anywhere to live in September when I get married. My mind went back to my post last week. It’s a fairly dramatic post and probably quite immature.

You see I have a problem with dramatics – I like a good disaster.

I love the rush of adrenaline and pride of “look what I am going through!”. It is so wrong, it is so immature and just plain unhelpful. After my buzz of life shattering panic (much like a sky dive – exhilarating in it’s danger) I am left empty, dangling on a bungee cord, swinging back and forth in some deep ravine, helpless and stuck. Feeling depressed and exhausted.

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I saw a picture of myself on Sunday in church. Standing around in filth and rubbish, rubbing it on my skin, smelling all it’s foulness, focusing on the rot and mould around me.

Then I saw a picture of what God wanted to offer me – a clear crisp waterfall, to clean me, strengthen me and refresh me.

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This is what I learnt – if I want to feel God’s power, if I want to experience His refreshment and joy, I have to move away from basking in my problems. I cannot be calm in a situation if I study my problems in such detail! I can’t get clear perspective if I am consumed with looking at all that could go wrong.

I need to think about and focus on God, I need to read His instructions for troubles and then I need to LIVE by them, not just forget them.

I need to put the rubbish down, stop standing in it and do what God tells me to do – Trust Him absolutely.

I need to stand in God’s truth.

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Homeless, Broke or Burnt alive?

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My string of panic inducing, unpredicted, could-be disasters took another turn yesterday.

9 weeks to our wedding and a dodgy fire certificate means we can either pull out of the sale, losing our legal fees and ending up homeless. Or at least at the mercy of any friends and family who’ll take pity. Or we can pay for the work ourselves and end up broke (who needs food anyway right?). Or we can leave ourselves at severe risk if a fire were to start. Without a shred of insurance cover and a lot of debt….

What would you choose?

More importantly how would you react? Like me with fear, anxiety and fleeting thoughts of depression?

As I was praying and at the end of my seriously worn tether I asked God what was going on.

What I heard wasn’t really what I wanted to hear!

This is not the most unstable your life will feel, things will be less secure and far more stressful later – so I need you to learn to deal with it now!

*sigh*

But Lord that is difficult! I want to cry and snap and flounce around getting sympathy. I want someone to be angry at!

My plans are put on hold so I have a right to act badly!

Oh. Hello pride….. That’s not a good attitude is it?

Sorry lord help me trust you. Help me learn. Make me humble. Make me grateful – I am so much better off than most in the world. Lord you know how lazy and proud I am, please forgive me. Teach me your way through this.

God is a safe place to hide,

ready to help when we need him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,

courageous in sea storm and earthquake, Before the rush and roar of oceans,

the tremors that shift mountains.

Jacob-wrestling God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.

Psalm 46:1-2

A Slap in the Face

“Why don’t you just slap me round the face and be done with it already!?”

This, and many other thoughts similar to this one, have been running through my head recently. The sarcastic, barely concealed, internal monologue has been the only thing keeping me from snapping, shouting, crying and running from my office as fast as my (little) legs can carry me these past weeks. Some days I feel like I work with a monster… the constant demands that no human could meet, the lies about what I have and haven’t done, the blame shifting, stress fuelled ranting, and full on shouting have just escalated to the point where I am rubbed raw.

The nice place within me, which provides me with the sugar coated attitudes and answers which I need to appear “holy” and “spiritual”, has broken. And what’s left inside me is just. not. nice.

I come home stressed, irritated and nasty. Suddenly I have developed full on road rage and if you dare leave a plate that isn’t scraped by the dishwasher I will verbally decapitate you.

This is NOT what I expected to find deep within myself!

I am so glad I prayed about this, I could have, and was tempted to, excuse this behaviour as I was stressed and “had a lot going on at the moment”. Thankfully I decided that I probably needed to deal with this before I got married for the sake of my poor husband-to-be. Crazy-dragon-lady was probably not the wife he had in mind when he proposed!

My problem is pride.

“But I thought the problem was your horrible boss?” I hear you ask. Nope, I should actually be praying for my boss, covering up her bad behaviour with forgiveness, and simply acting like Jesus asks me to. I should not think myself too good to be treated like this, after all Jesus was treated much worse than me and He never sinned. Never snapped or took His frustration out on someone else.

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I am called to wash peoples feet – to do the thing no one else wants to do. So I should not bristle when people ask me to do those things.

When I decide her behaviour is just too awful for forgiveness, when I feel as if she does not deserve my kindness, when I judge her behaviour and refuse to show her love, I am being God.

Can you see how HUGE my pride has become? I have put my own opinions above God’s opinions! My job is to LOVE because He told me to, and He is in charge.

“Why don’t you just slap me round the face and be done with it already!?”

I have found that Jesus has a direct answer to my thoughts this week.

Turn the other cheek.

My prayer is that I will allow God to be God. To judge nothing and love everyone regardless of what I feel. I’m praying for humility, and that I will never again be so blind to my pride.

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