Expecting the Worst and Terrified of Good News

So, yesterday was the first time my Dad has been home in a year, he’s in hospital for chronic depression and the last 6 years have been tough. To read a bit more check out my post from yesterday here.

I had no idea how it would go, and I was nervous, scratch that I was plain scared of what may happen to him emotionally when he came back.

It went well. I mean REALLY well! He wasn’t stressed by the small things which would have sent him over the edge, he was laughing, he even helped me make some of my invitations for my wedding. WOW how blessed were we yesterday! Yet I found myself reacting very strangely…

I was comfortable when I expected it to go wrong, yet when how well it went sunk in I suddenly became terrified deep, deep inside.

medium_170482672

Why would someone become terrified of good news? I think it’s because they fear the fall back to where they were before.

I love the feeling of having my Dad back, someone to protect me and care about me and not someone for me to worry about; yet the thought that I may have to go through the emotions of loss that I face when he has a turn for the worse make me want to run away from the good situation and the possibility of pain.

I have been told in the past that this is not trusting God. I disagree. This is a normal reaction to trauma and suffering and I know I couldn’t stop it if I tried. What matters is what I do with my reaction, and that I trust God with my actions.

I believe that it is not your emotional reactions to life which show your faith and character – it’s the actions you chose to live out once your reaction has surfaced.

So here are the actions I am chosing today…

  • To be thankful for the fact my Dad is alive! This is a miracle
  • To forgive myself for being afraid, that’s what Jesus has done
  • To remember the good times from yesterday and treasure them no matter what happens tomorrow
  • To think about the promises that God has for my future – they are awesome!
  • To stop myself preparing for the worst case scenario and leave Jesus in control

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/matador_snaps/170482672/”>JoséPedro</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>

Advertisements

Day Release from the “Funny Farm”

This is part 2 of my series on how good things can come from AWFUL experiences.

I may have used a bit of poetic license on the title… perhaps it should have read “a day visit out of the mental hospital with two minders” but that didn’t sound as catchy to me. So yes, today is the first time my Dad has come home for a whole year, he’s been in a high security mental hospital two hours away, so our contact hasn’t really been frequent and I am feeling lots of things about it.

medium_2340953610

In fact I am shaking, all the memories of the panic and paranoia whilst he was at home is getting to me. I don’t have any idea how he will react, or how we will react either and I really don’t want to think about it.

I’m hoping to update you with the truth of how God has used this situation once I have got my head around it – but I also want to show you my honesty for right now. I am feeling awful, full of fear and despair and memories I wish, well, memories I wish I couldn’t remember.

However I am setting my hope on something higher and I want to remember some amazing truths which came from a comment on my previous post….

“I deal with a similar situation. I too had a childhood that kept me on high alert, depressed, and emotionally alone. When I was in high school I would always sense when something was about to happen…. As the years went on, if someone was sick and I would pray for them I would have a “sense” of their healing or their death. And like you I’ve been pretty on the mark. This has caused me to one be sensitive to seeing signs and warnings that opened my eyes to seeing God in ways that many don’t. But this has also caused me to panic in fear that someone else is going to pass.… I know this is long and seems depressing, but the truth is through these experiences that always led to heartache and loss, I became dependent completely on the Lord. I am able to see His Voice in ways that  I would never trade. But I’ve also come to realize that every moment of my life, (and yours) had been preplanned. God knew exactly where and what I’d be going through and He purposed GOOD for ALL of it. Just like Joseph going through years and years of what appeared to be undeserving punishment, it was actually Gods plan all along, that He told him in advance. Genesis 50:20 has given my past a purpose, and I pray that you know that although your life here as a child was hard… and “the enemy planned it for harm, God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

You have PURPOSE! Jesus chose you and KNEW you would glorify Him and by doing so you will Shine HIS LIGHT among other women who are where you once were. … You have the Creator of the Universe living inside of you. Remember that when the days get hard. You are CHOSEN!”

This blogger has not had an easy time and some of the details she shared in her comment are really distressing – yet through it all she can still say this. Check out her writing here, you won’t regret it!

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/missnita/2340953610/”>Ani-Bee</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>