Ok, so telling people that you just don’t want to love someone anymore sounds like a dramatic thing to say. Maybe you’re imagining me as some kind of martyr who doesn’t want to keep loving an abusive lout, but that my heart is simply too pure and huge that I can’t stop myself. I assure you this is not the case…
I don’t want to love someone anymore because it’s just too much effort. It’s taking my free time, my energy and my happiness and I just don’t want to do it anymore. Harsh but unfortunately true.
This is what my feelings are telling me, I’m ashamed of them and they go against everything I want to be; but I can’t deny the fact that it’s taking every ounce of my effort keep being there when I want to emotionally checkout and cry for myself in self-pity.
When someone you love needs you desperately and requires that you face things that are still incredibly painful for you to do, when you’re “buttons” are pushed and you’re forced to deal with issues you just don’t feel ready to look at, this is when God’s love starts to worm its way through. Unconditional, independent from your own needs, and so very powerful.
God’s love has a law of its own. It’s a law that no human can follow, and it’s only through the grace of God, doing in us what we could never do for ourselves that we can even get close to it.
“3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.” 1 Corinthians 13:3-7 The message
I don’t think there has been a single day of my life when I’ve done all those things listed above, and right now sometimes I don’t even want to! But I want to want to with all my heart. When I pray, God answers, and out of my nothingness, selfishness and pity, suddenly strength bursts out to love other people more than myself, when I just can’t do it on my own.
Like a slow trickle of water providing a thirsty man just enough drink to survive, I get given love to give away, piece by piece, trickle by trickle, day by day.
I would be bankrupt without His love.
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/mohsenmasoumi/3107904674/”>MOHSEN MaSoUmI</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>cc</a>