A Slap in the Face

“Why don’t you just slap me round the face and be done with it already!?”

This, and many other thoughts similar to this one, have been running through my head recently. The sarcastic, barely concealed, internal monologue has been the only thing keeping me from snapping, shouting, crying and running from my office as fast as my (little) legs can carry me these past weeks. Some days I feel like I work with a monster… the constant demands that no human could meet, the lies about what I have and haven’t done, the blame shifting, stress fuelled ranting, and full on shouting have just escalated to the point where I am rubbed raw.

The nice place within me, which provides me with the sugar coated attitudes and answers which I need to appear “holy” and “spiritual”, has broken. And what’s left inside me is just. not. nice.

I come home stressed, irritated and nasty. Suddenly I have developed full on road rage and if you dare leave a plate that isn’t scraped by the dishwasher I will verbally decapitate you.

This is NOT what I expected to find deep within myself!

I am so glad I prayed about this, I could have, and was tempted to, excuse this behaviour as I was stressed and “had a lot going on at the moment”. Thankfully I decided that I probably needed to deal with this before I got married for the sake of my poor husband-to-be. Crazy-dragon-lady was probably not the wife he had in mind when he proposed!

My problem is pride.

“But I thought the problem was your horrible boss?” I hear you ask. Nope, I should actually be praying for my boss, covering up her bad behaviour with forgiveness, and simply acting like Jesus asks me to. I should not think myself too good to be treated like this, after all Jesus was treated much worse than me and He never sinned. Never snapped or took His frustration out on someone else.

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I am called to wash peoples feet – to do the thing no one else wants to do. So I should not bristle when people ask me to do those things.

When I decide her behaviour is just too awful for forgiveness, when I feel as if she does not deserve my kindness, when I judge her behaviour and refuse to show her love, I am being God.

Can you see how HUGE my pride has become? I have put my own opinions above God’s opinions! My job is to LOVE because He told me to, and He is in charge.

“Why don’t you just slap me round the face and be done with it already!?”

I have found that Jesus has a direct answer to my thoughts this week.

Turn the other cheek.

My prayer is that I will allow God to be God. To judge nothing and love everyone regardless of what I feel. I’m praying for humility, and that I will never again be so blind to my pride.

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/lars_in_japan/4979160955/”>quantumlars</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>cc</a>

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6 thoughts on “A Slap in the Face

  1. Giving this one a hearty AMEN!! Im glad you had the guts to be open and honest about your struggle, because its helping me too! We are all in this together!

    I’m so thankful for the blogging community of believers..we can lift each other up when we struggle. Praying for you today! And praying for myself that I don’t again fall into the same junk I’ve been falling into all week!

    Neighbor’s dog barking incessantly…do I graciously walk over to ask them to take the dog inside? Nooooo, I instead scream from the top of my lungs, out the window for all to hear, SHUT YOUR DOG UUUUUUUP!!!!! (To which my husband says, “Real mature, babe.” Uggggh) Then yesterday, a family member refuses to do something the way I (“almighty ME”) would do it, so I turn into a tyrant! Pridddddddeeee. God help us!

    I find that whatever I blog on for the day, the enemy sits at the door saying ok..lets see if you REALLY mean that. And the tests begin!

  2. Love the honesty, the humor but most of all that you recognize how God sees all of it. I can laugh cause I remember the first few years of marriage 🙂 When you finally get introduced to your “true” self. Opportunity for growth is all I can say!

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